comes a nigga named Ice Cube




8 years on the mike and I'm not jokin'
Sir Too Short comin' straight from Oakland..

life is to some ppl unbearable, commit sucide and that's terrible
was it much too much? or nothing big? if you live my life you'll be fightin' to live
life is to me my main asset


life is complicated, you must stay up


you only live once and you callin' it hell
police man try to take you to jail


It's yo life, don't be stupid, tho..'cause when yo' wasted you'll know...LIFE IS TOO SHORT





...shorty the pimp...he walks with a limp....




Do you really wanna know? of course you do...

got an Impala, very proud of my ride, regardless if I pay for it or not, it's the 'fam' car....and within less than a year, I wrecked it, busted out the passenger side window, and dented the door...don't remember how, not to mention I had to pick up Kylah from a very public, nosey- ass den-mother having Girl Scout meeting...rolling up asking for Ky with a busted window, like thru the hole, I ask them to send my young'un out...BAD BAD BAD

very intoxicated, and very lucky...my gaurdian angel must be tired of saving my ass, especially seeing as how Girlfriend and I was intent on setting a fire on wet wood, and I poured  FOUR 32 ounce cups of  1.48$  regular gasoline on this fire, then took a stick with toilet paper and threw it on the pile, and found that fumes and gas are very flammable...I was engulfed in flames, up to my chest...the great thing was it burned out quickly, my reflexes were good, and no injury was inflicted....altho Kylah was worried about my new shoes..."Did you burn your new shoes, Mamma?"


No computer, but I wouldn't feel so punk rock if I did have one..


"...and I'll pull your crookred teeth, you'll be perfect just like me..." -Smash. Pump.


the teeth thing be a bitch too, mate...I'm like a scurvy ridden pirate with a bullshit 2000.00$ partial that looks redicously fake because I have one of the worst sets of teeth bestowed on God's children


listening to some great dwnloads on G'friend's comp...soma, drown...(smah. pump.)  ahhh the days, no?

seizures still occur sporadically, still no six month vacation from them yet...


I'm thinking my blog/ journal is just another self-absorbed profile of another persons' life...not happy about that...who would want to read about me? or anyone else's struggles with daily life, unless you had a genuine intrest...and it makes this post feel self-centered...vacant...useless...uninteresting


especially since we've practically reverted back to the JFK era...I am so in love with obama and what is yet to happen, so proud to be a part of history...altho my young'un tells me only four kids voted for Obama in her classes' mock election, and then there's this belief among her classmates that  Barack will destroy churches, and only allow muslims to have churches...and I'm certain there's fear of being burnt at the stake for being Baptist

Payback, I say...their fear I mean...maybe Summertown shouldn't have hung all those black folk for whatever they may have done, no?


GOD HELP ME

  I think I shall dwnload "Sister Christan" because it's just kick ass...




110 clark st.
summertown, tn 38483

i have lost both my friends, lucily i have Pam to care for me...went  to Chattanooga this wknd for Kylah's birthday...with my mother-in-law, so as you can imagine it wasn't the best...but Kylah was happy, which is all that counts...i miss my friends, even tho I'D DIE BEFORE I'd admit it to him...Jack is fine...perhaps i can post pictures of the trip soon...

miss ya'll very much...Carrie please write me, okay...if time permits

entries from now on...no internet....love to you all:)

drinking: folgers carmel swril coffee accompanied by a fantastic tasting cancer stick

background noise: my devil spawn crawling up on the kitchen table grabing mints and stuffing them in his mouth, paper and all...daughter is prancing around in underwear watching pokemon after eating a conciderable amount of bacon

feeling: damn fine but only because my junkie ass scored two tabs this morning...who was the genius/devil that came up with lortab? it will wear off in about thirty minutes at which point I'll become a sullen bitch

thinking: about sweetcakes and her loud mouth, her brother's loud mouth, the moonshine they had in a sundrop bottle, and the nice Christmas stuff she got all of us last night...it's good to have a dealer that cares

celebrity that I most resemble: Britney Spears, and not as in 'looks like...' but more the trailer trash aspect and 'acts like..' area...plus I have a nasty acne breakout, much like she sports...big zits concentrated around the chin and mouth area from all the fried chicken grease that dribbles down our chins when we binge...it's a southern trash thing, I guess...

most recent accomplishment: drawing this great picture of baby fetuses (or is it fetusi?) in their bubbles with their big eyes and red umblical cords...I call it 'Abortion'

next on my agenda: another cup of  Joe and checking the local paper website and random celeb websites because I'm really not into expanding my knowledge of shit that really matters today

my first real boyfriend I had made me listen to Bob Marley and we smoked fine herb and ate Little Debbie Crunchy Stars....I hated it


then he left, and i grew up and understood what Bob was preachin'

Been busy and uninspired....worried for Judy and her situation...worried for my situation

H&R Block offers a cash advance for Christmas cash, borrowing against your expected refund. We got 500.00$ in addition to Steven's 700.00$ bonus from work. Two close friends, one of which was Steven's cousin were ousted about their love for the herb, and the company escorted them to the clinic for a drug test, which they promptly failed, and as a result lost their job a week before Christmas. Both of them have three children, rent, and cars that aren't paid for. Their last check was to include their Christmas bonus, which gave them some solace..but when payday came, no bonus. Melissa was really worried because they don't have any family to help, and they don't cheat for welfare like some people. I took her to the local grocery store and got her some food. Luckily, things have since worked out for them and they'll be able to give their kids Christmas, albeit a small one.

Two seizures within a month for me...the last one came quick without much of an aura and I was in the car, fortunately not behind the wheel. I remeber thinking of a friend of mine, really obscure, because were not that close and began repeating 'what time is it?' 'what time is it?' I was smoking and Sten told me to put it out and I tried to open the car door while moving. After that, I blacked out and when I came to, there was that same look of concern and fear on Steven's face and some strange woman sitting in my car telling me it was going to be okay. Somehow I always manage to take my teeth out so I wont ruin 900.00$ worth of partial. Afterwards, when your postictal, it's like a big acid trip,  and the sun was setting with all these brillant colors in the sky, and as we were finishing our business we were taking care of, I felt like I was floating, dazed and sensitive to the least bit of noise or light. We were in the mmiddle of a drug deal, not crack or anything, but transporting about fifty lortab to a fried for her to sell...very inconvient time.

The seizures have also occured while on my period, and always happen late in the afternoon. according to epilepsy.com this is a common occurrence for women with epilepsy, and if this is the case, the can take out my womb right now...cramps and bleeding are enough of a hassle, I can do without the other shit. For the next two or three days, your whole body is sore from the flexing and contacting of your muscles, and I swear you lose brain cells after each one. I feel a little more stupid and a little more burnt. The confusion can last for almost a week, and the sensitivity to noise lasts for a while as well....big problem since I have the loudest kids to ever walk the Earth.

Rest, avoiding stressful situations, and taking precations around the house to make you safe if you should have one is the recommendations to avoid bringing them on, and it's hopeless that I will ever manage any of them, especially the sleep...I've always had difficulty sleeping, since I was a kid...so I take anything from ambien to tylenol p.m. to ensure some rest...but even with that, it's never a sure thing I won't toss and turn. My doctor upped my meds, and I'm hoping that's going to work, but who knows. It's handicapped me, since I'm in the middle of nowhere, no cab service and no sidewalks to walk on to get to the grocery store.  I feel as tho I'm in prison, since I've been driving since I was 14, and now I can't get behind the wheel of a car....begging for rides is degrading, and I'm a prideful bitch. Nobody ever has gas money to come and see me, so I sit day after day, staring at the same four walls, and the leaning Christmas tree held together with tape.   All day, with a baby, no adults to conversate with, and should I need something from the store, no ability to get it. We even had to walk to Kylah's Girl Scout ceremony in the cold last Tuesday. All this sitting and waiting has thrown me in such a slump, I'd sleep all day if it weren't for Jack. No inspiration, no desire to learn or achieve, or even talk sometimes. The same ritual every day: clean the house, send Kylah off to school, who rides with the neighbors, feed Jack breakfast, get him dressed, then sit on the couch in the same place for hours until Steven comes home...sometimes I'm so desperate for company, when I see Steven coming up the driveway, I run to meet him at the door. Sometimes I call people, but they're either busy with their own drama or just plain don't wanna talk. Smoking, sitting, and drinking coffee, that's my life.

When Steven got the H&R block card, I jacked the number and ordered god awful amounts of shit on the internet...How fun that must be for people! Ordering stuff online and waiting for its arrival...I think the UPS man thought I was gonna hold him hostage, because it was another human over seven years of age, and I could talk to an actual adult....he ran to his truck.


I have no excitement for Christmas, no cheer, and no desire for interaction unless I'm under the influence...I can't even drink my beloved beer like I used to...and yesterday, Jack wore me down so much I regretfully wished I'd never had him...now God will make me pay for it by letting him be hit by a car...

I have to clean, and I'm debating on taking the rest of my xanax...why not? I have nothing better to do 

for my floating eyeball...perhaps now I can see:)

hiding scars beneathe my new clothes love, love shirley

halloween is here...not to fret regular readers, I'm not charging 20.00 bucks for readings yet, but....I told Steven when the sox were still playing cleveland and down one game, I had a dream of the red sox winning the world series and he looked at me and said 'this is history in the making'




but I wonder where Boo, the rapist/crackhead/ devil incarnate and his rookie red sox card was at that time, and just how the fuck did he feel? deserving? nah....cheated...he done nothing wrong...typical drug addict response

BIaaatch...how you like me now? pawned clarice's chest of drawers for thirty five bucks, after pulling ouit her son's obit and her divoprce papers out of the drawer...boughjt xanax and beer....feel goood about it, too....bitchezz

hate the fam

other random story...sparrows carry souls...saw one inside a car with about a four inch opening in his window...his tag said POW....but a young guy came out and got in the car...he got the sparrow out after opening the window, but I prayed fer the fellow...cause sparrows carry death, a window flying in your 'house' means death, and, granted it wasn't a house per say, i couldn't help feel like dude was gonna wreck, wanted to tell him it was a sign of death...but that's a bit too much, ya know...


schizoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 

It's been over eight months since we last spoke, she and I disowned each other over things that happened when I was a child. I even broke first and tried to call her when I went to the hospital last month, scared and wishing for a blood relative to be by my side, regardless if I hated the relative. She had changed her number. When you erase someone from your life, it dosen't fully go away...it smears the paper with smudges from your favorite unicorn pencil....and for some reason, your life isn't written in ink so you can't use white out and paint that mistake off  and have pretty clean paper for you to resume your story. Her smudges still appear in my speech patterns, in some of my little sayings I picked up from her, when I pick up my kids toys and find one she'd given as a present...what hurts the most is she not only erased me, but my children as well...I had to just tell Kylah one day that Brenda would never be back ... and she hasn't.

But what God takes away, he replaces, albeit in strange ways....my Lissa's are her Aunts...and Sweetcakes is her Granny

Sweetcakes took us out to eat last night, bought two pitchers of beer and all of us a nice entree, and a quick trip to Wal-Shit

She's cleaning out her house as of late and giving things away, and so far I've amassed quite a bounty....a HP scanner, a police scanner, clothes, a quilt, and my favorite, a sewing machine that I'm going to try to master. She told me not to poke my eye out.

I went to the nursing home to see Melony, my friend from nursing school...the one that had the wreck, slamming into a brick wall...she broke her neck, the same place the Christopher Reeve broke his, but by some miracle she's not paralyzed. She has the halo on her head, so when I seen her for the first time, to hold back the tears, I just said "'Sup Halo Head!"  We went  to smoke and she discussed her conspiracy theroies about who tried to kill her and why. She says a truck ran her off the road. Who knows?

My hands are numb, entirly numb, and its hurt to type this entry and I'm guessings it's related to my back and the discs protruding and the like.

I have to feed my children and drink more coffee.

cold,  windy, seasonal depression

hopeless? Nah....I got my meds

(mine) 

 millionare status:

provide internet to underprivladged children in the US....laptops and mp3's

coffee house with trendy music that the rich folk would subscribe to...charge 'em 5.00$ for a banana nut muffin strudel or some shit

open a good ol' southern meat and three with a rotound black lady that held all the secrets to fine southern cooking

if i were poor (low income)..

I'd make junk folk art out of trash in my back yard..

 

 

(Steven).

millionare:

restore antique cars

habitat for humaninity and give them away

fishing boat, fabulous lures, plenty of beer, fat fish bitin' and sunscreen to avoid the sunburn like I did when I was poor...


If Steven was poor:(low income)

drink cheap whisky and dream for fishin' ....waitin on income tax and pay child support